Course: Female Adulthood
1. Joe is cute and rides a motorcycle. He says Ulysses is a book about which he knows things. He purchases 1 drink for you, 1 for himself, 1 for his friend Jim. One hour later, he purchases 1 drink for you and 1 for himself. Jim has already purchased his own. You split 4 appetizers among 3 people in a period of 2 hours. The number of minutes between each future drink order decreases by ¼ of the prior with each iteration: 60 minutes, 45 minutes, 33.75 minutes, etc. Estimate the probability that Joe will want to see you again if you choose to go home with him tonight. Show your work.
2. You’ve read that the most responsible and disciplined people have clear conceptions of their future self. Having a clear conception of your future self will ensure you are successful in all areas of your life. How mature is your conception of your future self?
A. Put extra $50 this month into long-term savings.
B. Spend the $50 on much needed books on Amazon.
C. Spend the $50 on sex toys and lingerie on Amazon.
D. Spend the $50 on a night out.
E. All of the above. Screw it.
3. Which of these terms, and all associated cultural realities and baggage, should be obliterated from the consciousness of all?
A. Thigh gap.
C. Waist training.
D. All of the above, duh. Wait, except maybe B is OK. Is it OK? Was anal leakage as a side effect of potato chips an OK sacrifice? But wait, a sacrifice for “concepts that need obliterating”?
E. Prefer to answer in essay form with justifications of personal insecurities. See back of exam.
4. Your guy has not texted you in twelve hours. He is probably:
A. Spending hours chatting with other women on dating sites.
B. Out with his bros trying to pick up other women.
C. Avoiding you because he really wants out of the relationship.
D. Working or otherwise behaving like a normal person.
E. Please choose D.
5. Who will notice details—that your shoes are scuffed, you have a small run in your tights, your shirt is not pressed perfectly, you forgot the jewelry you intended to go with said outfit, and you need to touch up your hair dye and nails—and then add up all details to declare you an incompetent mess?
B. At least all available men.
C. Women who appear more smart and beautiful.
D. Absolutely no one. And why would you think up such questions in the first place?
E. Probably no one, but you know you can do better. A woman must put her best foot forward!
F. Slap yourself if you selected E. (Or A, B, or C.)
6. An important part of female adulthood is being adept at perceiving how others perceive your aptitude. This can greatly affect how you are treated—in business, in commerce, in health care, in perpetuity. These people are likely to assume you are dumb and uninformed or that you stay at home and knit or play with babies or you know exactly what we mean so we don’t need to expound further. Who will automatically assume you are inept?
A. All doctors.
B. Most men.
C. People who work the floors of home improvement stores.
D. Anyone in customer service when you question quality, especially people who sell cars, tools, and electronics.
E. All of the above.
F. Stop generalizing and being so cynical; it will stunt your growth to think that way. But, you’re correct.
7. Reject all themes on this exam as invalid. Shred it. Or give it to your cat.
8. Regret shredding or giving to cat. Recall themes and cycle through feeling humored, depressed, and empowered. Pet your cat. Try not to depress your cat.
Amber Nicole Brooks currently serves as the Nonfiction Editor of The Chattahoochee Review. Her work can be found in various literary journals and online magazines, including Five Points, The Rumpus, The Establishment, and ArtsATL.