Three Act Play: A Poem
Mr. G approaches Mr. B. The latter is sitting on a rock.
Act I
Mr. G: I don’t suppose you’ve been sitting here long. Mr. B: I have, as a matter of fact. Since about 1853. Mr. G: Mind if I join you? Mr. B: Happy to have some company. Mr. G: You’re not waiting for someone? Mr. B: Oh, no! Mr. G: That’s a relief, I can tell you. Mr. B: A relief? Mr. G: Well, yes! Mr. B: No one ever had to wait for me. I was always there. That was the beauty of it. Mr. G: Me, I never showed up. That was the duty of it; the gravity; the depravity. Mr. B: We should introduce ourselves, don’t you think? Mr. G: I think not. Anonymity is best. Mr. B: Is best? Mr. G: Is best of all, unless? Mr. B: Unless what? Mr. G: Unless we were the last of the lost. Mr. B: The least of the last? Mr. G: Unless we used first names. Mr. B: Christian names! Mr. G: And yours is? Mr. B: Bart. Mr. G: Bart? Mr. B: Bart. Mr. G: I’m Gobsmack, myself. Mr. B: Christian? Mr. G: Only in a missionary sense. Mr. B: Missionary position? Mr. G: Missionary possession. Mr. B: When you’re on top. Mr. G: I was never on top. Mr. B: You bided your time. Mr. G: I was sublime. Mr. B: In those days? Mr. G: On all the bidets. Mr. B: Perhaps I was your rhyme. Or your mime. Mr. G: On all the bidets of the world. Mr. B: You were sublime. Mr. G: In those ways. Mr. B: In all the clichés. Mr. G: I was never on time. Mr. B: But you were positionary, possessionary. Mr. G: Sedentary! Mr. B: And yet more stationery than stationary. Mr. G: You’ve not read my guy’s sad book.
Mr. G suddenly sits down on the rock beside Mr. B. Mr. B gives him a surprised look, then reaches over and takes his hand. They hold hands throughout Act II.
Act II
Mr. B: But you’ve had a look at mine. Mr. G: It’s why I stopped by. Mr. B: Sat down. Mr. G: Stood up. Mr. B: You liked it? Mr. G: Gobsmacked by it, in fact. Mr. B: Gobsmacked is it? Mr. G: It was. Mr. B: Do you know my guy? Mr. G: Your guy? Mr. B: You don’t mean my boss? Mr. G: I mean your guy. Mr. B: Well, yes, my guy. Mr. G: Was he gay? Mr. B: Some people say. And yours? Mr. G: He was one for the ladies. Mr. B: For the laddies? Mr. G: The ladies. Mr. B: Have it your way. Mr. G: The way you prefer. Mr. B: Mais Je préférerais ne pas. Mr. G: Not to? Mr. B: You’ve got it. Mr. G: I get it? Mr. B: You’ve got it or you’ve thought it. Mr. G: Pah! Mr. B: Pas de ça. Mr. G: You think? Mr. B: I think so. Mr. G: At any rate, you often preferred . . . Mr. B: Not to. Mr. G: Not to . . . what? Mr. B: Just not to. Mr. G. J’aimerais mieux pas. Mr. B: A way of putting it. Mr. G: A translation? Mr. B: A Preference. Mr. G: Work! Mr. B: That was my guy. Mr. G: Your guy? You mean your boss. Mr. B: Oh, no. He was someone else. Mr. G: You didn’t like your job. Mr. B: I lost the job. Mr. G: But when you had it, did you like it? Mr. B: There were things I couldn’t do. Mr. G: Couldn’t or wouldn’t. Mr. B: Couldn’t and wouldn’t. Mr. G: At the request of your boss? Mr. B: He was at a loss, sometimes, for words. Mr. G: But you were always there. Mr. B: I was always there. Mr. G: When he came in? Mr. B: And when he went out. Mr. G: He was gobsmacked, I take it. Mr. B: Take it or leave it. Mr. G: You were there all the time. Mr. B: I was there overtime. Mr. G: Were you paid over time? Mr. B: I was paid to begin. Mr. G: But not paid to end. Mr. B: I was not paid to end. Mr. G: With what did you begin? Mr. B: I began with a pen. Mr. G: To copy, perhaps? Mr. B: To copy, my ass! Mr. G: And all of it legal? Mr. B: A bit of a giggle. Mr. G: A kind of black mass. Mr. B: I copied my ass. Mr. G: How many came to attend? Mr. B: There were about ten.
Mr. G drops Mr. B’s hand, and very suddenly stands up.
Act III
Mr. G: It seems you have breasts! Mr. B: That’s just a test. Mr. G. I do see a boob. Mr. B: Just one. Mr. G: It’s there for a pun? Mr. B: Oh not at all. Mr. G: I’ve only one ball. Mr. B: So you played? Mr. G: As for me, I always delayed. Mr. B: You delayed. Mr. G: I delayed. Mr. B: Delayed doing what? Mr. G: Anything at all. Mr. B: But nonetheless they waited? Mr. G: Maybe for you? Mr. B: Hardly for me! Mr. G: For you. Mr. B: How many for me? Mr. G: Just three. Mr. B: That’s for the rhyme. Mr. G: Thanks for your time. Mr. B: How many for you? Mr. G: Just two. Mr. B: And your guy? Mr. G: My guy. Mr. B: Your guy. Mr. G: He was convinced that I never showed up. Mr. B: My guy was gay. Mr. G: My guy was one for the girls, but he was convinced that I never showed up. Mr. B: As for me, I never left. Mr. G: I delayed. Mr. B: But it played pretty well in those days. Mr. G: Those days! Mr. B: Those ways. Mr. G: And a light shining out in the bay. Mr. B: Were you ever at home? Mr. G: I was always alone. Mr. B: Alone! Mr. G: Never at home! Mr. B: I felt cold as any stone. Mr. G: I was right as rain! Mr. B: Hedonistic! Mr. G: Sadistic! Mr. B: End of the page coming up. Mr. G: End of an age. Look out! Mr. B: I’m looking. Mr. G: Out! Mr. B: At what? Mr. G: At what becomes of us. Mr. B: Nothing becomes of us. Mr. G: Nothing? Mr. B: Nothing less. Mr. G: Nothing more? Mr. B: Nothing more.
Mr. B and Mr. G both produce large placards, which have been lying face down under their stones. They turn them face forward, toward the audience:
Mr. B’s Placard: LAUGHTER
Mr. G’s Placard: TEARS
John Matthias has published some thirty books of poetry, fiction, memoir, drama, and literary criticism. His most recent books include a three volume edition of his Collected Poems (Shearsman), the Novel Different Kinds of Music (Shearsman), and Six Short Plays (BlazeVox). He is Editor at Large of Notre Dame Review.